I Am Now Upset (WARNING: Depressing Story)

"JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!" (jqj213)
10/26/2013 at 22:54 • Filed to: Depressing, non car post, sad, work, retire

Today started out great. I got my !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and Florida had some beautiful weather. But then I went to work, and it all changed. NOTICE: This isn't a car related post. This is a depressing post about my job. There is no anger, just sadness.

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As some of you may know, I work at a retirement home. Every day, I deal with senior citizens. Luckily, I'm just a server in the dining room. I don't have to be a nurse to them or anything similar (I only say lucky because I'd be too sad if I spent my whole life with them); I just get them food. Today was just upsetting. The whole staff, me included, ended up in tears.

Earlier in the day, one of our longer term residents passed away. She has been there for a little over 5 years. I have been working there for a little under 6 months now. I saw her and her husband every night. He suffers from Alzheimers. He can't remember anything about her. They were married for over 50 years. They were dating for another 5 years before that. And now, he can't even remember her name. He walked into the dining room tonight asking if his wife showed up early without him. We told him that she passed away and we were sorry. He then went over to the bar and drank a bit. About an hour later, he came back and one of the servers said to him that she was sorry for the loss of his wife. He then said, "I was married?" Together for over 50 years! And not a single memory! Could you imagine?

Then, we learned one of my personal favorite residents brain cancer has come back. This time, it looks serious and she may not have much longer. She had it about a year ago. She then underwent surgery and was doing great. She looked great. Her husband was so happy. But we learned today from him that she is back in the hopsital because of it.

Lastly, we learned another resident (another really nice and friend of mine) is having serious stomache problems that the doctors cannot diagnose. They say she most likely will not make it to November 1st.

It ruined my night. It ruined our night. This is why I hate my job sometimes. You make these great relations with people. Unlike a normal restaurant, I see the same people every day. So, losing them really hurts.

Thanks for listening.

DISCUSSION (23)

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 22:58

Sorry for your loss. It is comforting to know they had someone like you at the nursing home that cared about them. Not many elderly people are so fortunate.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 22:58

Sorry, man—that is really depressing. I have always wondered if working at a nursing home is as taxing as it seems. At least you can rest assured you're doing good work that many others don't have the heart for (or compassion to care about). Sorry for your loss.

scoob > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 22:59

Truly a heartbreaking story. Hope you feel better though.

I sorta/kinda/almost went through the same thing this past summer. I volunteered at a hospital and one of my tasks was to deliver the daily stack of newspapers to a long list of residents. Eventually I memorized a bit of the routine and soon noticed some of the rooms were beginning to become empty (also some of the names on the delivery sheet were crossed out). I guess you know where I'm going with that.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tom McParland
10/26/2013 at 22:59

Thank you. I just couldn't imagine living a life like that. Yet, I may be in another 50 years. To imagine that just scares me.

desertdog5051 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:00

So sad. A truly touching story. We will all be there someday, hope someone like you is there.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/26/2013 at 23:03

I mean some nights it is great. We have these quarterly events that are themed (most recently was the wild west, before that was under the sea) and the residents love them. We have good food and a big dance floor and it is great to see them smiling and so happy. But then in that same room, this Sunday, I will be working a memorial serivce for one of the women who stood on that dance floor smiling not even a few weeks ago.

I honestly hope that I can make the resident's day just a little bit brighter. Give them that great service. Tell them that great joke. I just like seeing them happy.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > scoob
10/26/2013 at 23:05

One of the hardest parts is telling the other residents. Usually this one was more of the social kind. She always sat at the big tables with like 10-15 people. So, when that party of 12 this evening came in and they were wondering where she was, it is difficult to explain. I feel bad because it ruins their night. I remember when another resident passed about a month ago and we told her table, a resident just stood up and left in tears. They apparently went to Kindergarden together and were friends since. They were both 93.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > desertdog5051
10/26/2013 at 23:07

Thank you.... that means a lot to me.

Honestly, one of the main reasons I took this job was because I wanted my time spent doing something to be meaningful. If I can make one resident smile, I did my job.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:10

I've volunteered at one of these homes before. It is scary sometimes to witness people at the end of a life and what that entails. All manner of emotions going on all at once.

If you haven't already, I recommend asking them if they have any photo albums they'd like to go through if you get a spare moment. Or even if they have any pictures or mementos they;d like to share. Alzheimers can be a cripplingly scary disease, but you;d be surprised the memories some people hold onto. I'm a history buff so I loved hearing some stories and seeing pictures from the veterans and former engineers and scientists. One woman was the widow of one of the mayors of our "township" and told me about some of the crazy nights they spent awake all night trying to hear people out and make the classic "back room deals" to get laws and budgets passed.

Some memories are happier than others, but one of the few constants I found from my weekends there was that they all want to at least have their story heard. People like knowing that their life might mean something more than just they were born and then they died. Can;t guarantee everyone has something cool and occasionally they remember something sad or tragic, but definitely ask around if you get some spare time and see what you might learn.

PatBateman > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:12

I'm sorry to hear about your day. Anyone with an ounce of decency would feel the same as you do right now.

As someone who has been in situations where I have witnessed loss, death, and sad situations, I will tell you that you should use these experiences as a lesson. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone, so do not waste today. Not YOLO, just don't let your youth be wasted. Make stories for the future and memories that will last a lifetime. Do something that you would normally be scared to do tomorrow (ask a gorgeous girl out, karaoke, etc). If we're lucky, we will all be subject to old age after making proper use of our younger years.

Feel compassion for these individuals and honor them by living life to the fullest.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:16

Wow, those events really represent the stark emotional contrast between the two aspects of your work. It's great that you are able to make so many hopeless people happy and make their lives seem that much more worthwhile. I think that even showing an effort at brightening their days would make them happier, but actually doing or saying something that can cause enjoyment on its own must really help better their spirits.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles
10/26/2013 at 23:16

I'd love to sit down with so many of them and just talk. I'd love to know what their past was and what they went through. The home I work at is quite expensive and I know they have money and some of them have incredible tales of incredible ways they made money. It is fasinating. I got lucky because I got to interview one of them for a school project a few months ago.It was incredible. He was 80. He was a big businessman who was a millionaire. It was great hearing of his struggles, success, and cheats to keep a fortune. I know they all don't have that (like you said) but everyone has some great memory.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > PatBateman
10/26/2013 at 23:22

I love hearing these people tell stories of the crazy things they did in their lifes. I hope to be able to tell similar stories in my later years. I hope to make my life worthwhile. Working at a place like this makes you wonder about your life and makes you want to live it to the fullest everyday since you just do not know.

PatBateman > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:26

Alright. Now is when we put the proverbial money where our mouths are.

Tell me, right now, what you are going to do tomorrow to make a story you can share later.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:28

People who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Good on you for doing your part to maybe learn a thing or two and help those people out. It sounds crazy, but it really can mean the world to some of them just to hear them out for half an hour or so.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > PatBateman
10/26/2013 at 23:32

That's a hard one, but I think I will start talking to this girl I kinda like. Learn more about her. It's something I don't ever do really.

PatBateman > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:35

Done. Do it for the two couples that you mentioned. And remember: no good story ever ended with "...but then I chickened out."

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/26/2013 at 23:35

I feel you man. I used to do the exact same thing. Its hard when you make relationships with the people and they leave. All i have to say is do your best to make them feel loved when you interact with them.

ddavidn > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/27/2013 at 00:21

As sad as this story is, the silver lining I see is that you have a staff that cares for these people so much. Finding a place for my grandpa (had dementia) after he lived with us for a year and before he passed a few years later was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Keep caring about these folks. I'm not sure I'm capable of doing your job. Just volunteering as I do from time to time is enough for me. So I have the greatest respect for you. Hope tomorrow is a bit brighter.

SteyrTMP > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/27/2013 at 00:42

I worked at a nursing home for a little while before I started into the industrial sector... I also worked in the kitchen and served.

There was one gentleman that always had WingDings for lunch... I remember him.

I made friends with two nurses in the E wing, which was the neuro-trama/last rites sector. A lot of the patients there weren't going to last long, or were in pretty bad shape. Other Mom and Other Mom 2. Heh. I'm surprised I remember that. I also remember there being a younger black male with an ugly Y-shaped scar in his head where he had tried to kill himself that was in their sector. Not sure what shape he was, doubt he was all there.

Then there was the D wing... which had reinforced, locked doors. That was for the heavy dementia and Alzheimer's patients... I never went much in that area. They had an unguarded sector for mild Alzheimer's patients... there was an elder lady by the name of Stella.... You always faced her when she was around... I was warned she'd try to grab your ass, and it wasn't gently either... she thought she was young, and (thankfully I never experienced this) she would flash passers-by.

But on the other hand, there were plenty of healthy grandparents that were simply dumped there because their kids' lives were too busy to have them live with them.

You always find special people there. I met a kid named Robby. He was 15, and had been hit by a drunk driver while out to get the mail. He was completely paralyzed, had limited movement of his neck, and could talk, but that was it. He was on a respirator, but was overall a pretty cheerful kid for the circumstances. He had a computer, and could control the mouse by a special retainer in his mouth, and could control his wheelchair by either that, or by Alpha-waves.. that was pretty cool. I'd bring him PC games, and after he was moved to his home, I remember stopping by and reading my favorite story to him. Unfortunately, he died a few years later due to a mucus plug in his respirator...

But learn to enjoy what you can. There's so much history and talent there, hidden behind the wrinkles. Trust me.

I realize you're probably in a different situation that I am... I have short term memory loss from brain surgery myself... so I don't have to worry about the past, because I won't remember much about it.

For what it's worth.

Grindintosecond > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/27/2013 at 00:49

we hear.

That sort of exposure is tough to work through. It always will be. You will get to know people and they will be gone or some tragedy will happen that affects you. It won't end there. You will, in a way, get used to it some way. I started a flying cargo job a number of years ago and within the first 3 months, 3 people i knew crashed through no fault of their own, 1 lives now. One was a state governor, didn't make it. one died from burns 2 weeks later, i played chess with that guy right before he took off. My point is, you never know what will happen to who and how and any combination can be a sad situation or a good situation. It might be depressing, but you also have people around you that are wonderful to know, no matter how brief of a time that might be. Let's just hope that for those who can't remember in the end have family that can remember for them. You'll be fine.

Anon > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
10/27/2013 at 01:35

That's horrible dude! That shit happens, though it still sucks when it does.

While we're complaining about jobs. I got fired today. Apparently I took too much time helping every customer that came into my department. Then when I didn't seek out people (though still helped out the people that asked for my help) and focused on stocking they complained that I wasn't helping the customers. I honestly tried my best but they just expected me to do way too much in way too little time. I'm a very methodical person when doing something, I may be slow but I make no mistakes when I was putting away books (I'm the son of a carpenter, what can I say, I value perfection). I also value customer service above all else because it won't do you any good to have books on the shelves if no one wants to buy them so that's why I tried to get to every constomer in the department. I guess we just didn't see eye to eye in matter. It really is a shame, besides from the management, I loved working there. Oh well.

However related to your story. My mom runs a hospice in our area. When I was younger I used to do a lot of volunteer work at the nursing homes because of this. Honestly I don't know how she deals with it.

Svend > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
11/09/2013 at 03:45

I'm really sorry to hear how the day went for you, your colleagues and the families involved. It's sole destroying to see people towards the end of the their lives, but you've got to take heart in that they've had a good life and shared in other peoples lives just like how you and your colleagues have now shared in theirs. You live in some way is richer for knowing them and showing them that someone cared for them. Looking after the elderly, inferm or hospitalised isn't just a job that pays money, it's a job you also pay a price mentally and from the heart. The fact that these people have had this effect on you shows just how much these people mean't to you and that you are doing a great job. I'm sorry for your loss, and your colleagues and their familes of those no longer with us, but you helped make those last days more bareable and that is commendable. The pain never goes, but the memories of the happier times makes it more bareable. Take care.